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CRETIN
World - Washington D.C.
In a surprising announcement today, Senior
Senator Strom Thurmond was pronounced to be legally dead
by the Washington D.C. Coroner´s Office. Even more shocking
is the fact that the Senate´s President Pro Tempore, apparently
passed away some time last November, shortly after the 2000 National
election.
Republican leaders feared that if the news of Thurmond´s
death were made public, South Carolina Governor, Democrat Jim
Hodges, would appoint fellow Democrat and popular Mayor of
Charleston, Joe Riley, to succeed Thurmond´s seat,
thus tipping the Senate balance 51/49 in the favor of the Democrat´s
control.
Thus, in a vast Right Winged conspiracy to insure
Republican control of the Senate (code named "Embalm
Strom") Senator Thurmond was taxidermied by morticians,
and propped up in his Senate seat. For speaking engagements, the
Republican´s enlisted the services of actor and amateur
politician, Al "Grandpa Munster" Lewis,
as Thurmond´s stand in double.
Former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott
(R-Miss) confessed, "Shortly after learning Senator Thurmond´s
death and before the news could be made public, Senator Helms
and I were watching ‘Weekend at Bernie´s´
on the Super Station. Then suddenly, we looked at each other,
smiled, and the light bulb went on in our heads."
The investigation into Thurmond´s apparent
death was commenced last week, when a night janitor inadvertently
discovered maggots crawling all over Thurmond´s Senate seat,
and formaldehyde in his drinking glass. The maggots were collected
and taken to the FBI´s forensic crime laboratory in Quantico,
VA for analysis, to determine the state of decomposition of Thurmond´s
corpse and ascertain the approximate date of death.
Junior NY Senator, Hillary Clinton commented,
"I thought it was rather odd that Senator Thurmond´s
handlers always seemed to be carrying fly-swatters. And there
was always that peculiar smell on the Senate floor; at first I
assumed it was Senator Kennedy. But then, I noticed that
the odor was coming from Thurmond. And it wasn´t like that
typical ‘old person smell´. I thought it might
have been some funky kind of musk cologne, but it turned out to
be the embalming fluid. I didn´t say anything at the time,
because I´m new around here."
Several Thurmond staffers and aides have been indicted
for grave robbing and transporting a cadaver without a mortician´s
license.
In a related story, the aforementioned Al "Grandpa"
Lewis has established residency in a Myrtle Beach retirement community,
and announced his intention to run for Thurmond´s Senate
seat in 2002 on the South Carolina Green Party ticket.
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