Washington Post's
Style Invitational

Each year the
Washington Post's
Style Invitational
asks readers to take any word
from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter and
supply a new definition.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting
a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was
your money to start with.

W´s BEAST OF BURDEN
(Ode to Dick Cheney)

(sung to the tune of the
Rolling Stone´s "Beast of Burden")

by: John W. Albanese, Esq.

Don´t want to be W´s beast of burden
This job´s too tough, my heart is hurtin'
All I want, is for W to find a new VP

Don´t want to be W´s beast of burden
I´ve walked miles on that treadmill
But my blood pressure´s still burstin'
All I want, is for W to find a new VP

My heart´s not strong enough
W doesn´t do enough
Of the presidential stuff
He delegates to the VP

Don´t want to make the Big Time decisions
This job´s too tough,
I need my nitroglycerine
Limbaugh on the radio
Come on Rush, take over for me!

I don´t relax enough
Don´t need to work this much
‘Cause I´m rich enough
To retire in luxury

Oh Elizabeth!

Shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty,
Shitty, shitty job
This is shitty, shitty,
Such a shitty,
Shitty, shitty job
Come on W, please, relieve me

I´ll tell ya
You can put me out
As the Veep
Put me out
Of my Senate seat
Just put me out, put me out
Put me out of misery

You were on page two
So I bombed Saddam
You throw it all at me
And take the credit for it
But there´s one thing W
That I don´t understand
Why you keep on telling me
That I´m your Big Time man

Ain´t my arteries clogged enough
Ain´t my cholesterol way too much
And this stent doesn´t do enough
To keep me out of angioplasty

Ooh! Ooh! Please

Don´t want to be W´s beast of burden
Don´t want to be W´s beast of burden
Never, never, never, never, never, never, never be

Just like your Daddy
I´m W´s caddy
Don´t need this pressure
I need some nursing
Never, never, never, never, never should have been VP

Arkansas woman killed in
mistaken Rapture

Last week, Elroy Willis of Arkansas City wrote how a Little Rock woman was killed after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as a 'Mistaken Rapture' by dozens of eye-witnesses.

Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.

He's back!, He's back!

"She started screaming "He's back!, He's back!" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgian Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.

"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. "She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was going to lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene.

Toga Costume Party

Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with helium which then floated up into the sky.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come back," just as the Williams' car passed him; and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."

Mrs. Williams is the CRETIN Coalition's
nominee for the 2002 Darwin Award.

the
Darwin Awards
Evolution in Action

by Wendy Northcutt

The Darwin Awards
are given to people that:
"Improve the
gene pool
by removing
themselves from it."

Get it Here!

SKAKEL FOUND GUILTY

Failed Defense Leaves
Kennedy Cousin Up a Tree

Norwalk, CT- Tensions were in the air, as the verdict was read in the Moxley Murder Trial, and (the defendant) Michael Skakel�s sphincter puckered when he heard the word �Guilty!� sealing his fate.� The Kennedy cousin was immediately taken into custody, until his sentencing, which will be held in the Connecticut Superior Court on July 19^th, where he faces 10 years to life.

Skakel was convicted for the brutal murder of his next-door neighbor, Martha Moxley, who he bludgeoned to death with a golf club over 27 years ago, when they were both teenagers.� Skakel, who at the time was infatuated with his victim, put forth the most bizarre alibi defense in the history of American jurisprudence.�

According to Skakel, he couldn�t have possibly committed the heinous act, as on the night of the crime, he was sitting in a tree overlooking Miss Moxley�s bedroom window, masturbating.� Needless to say, the jury didn�t buy it.

Outside the Courthouse, CRETIN World obtained these exclusive comments from the Jury�s Foreperson, Betty Kilder:

�As soon as we left the Court and went into the deliberation room, we all burst out laughing.� I mean we just couldn�t stop�we were in tears!� It was a real �Beavis and Butthead� moment.� We had this image of that fat guilty bastard, perched up in the tree like a horny owl, pumping away on his pud, and dribbling his DNA all over the crime scene. That�s why we were out for four days deliberating�it took us that long before we all could go back in front of the Judge and keep a straight face.� I tell ya�, my sides are still hurting.�

However, not everyone in the Courtroom thought that Skakel�s creative attempt to �get off� was all that funny.� Defense Attorney, Mickey Sherman, commented, �Hindsight is always 20/20, but I guess we were really going out on a limb with this masturbation alibi. In retrospect, we should have gone with a more conventional �chipping golf balls� defense.�

CRETIN World also obtained these exclusive comments from a Connecticut State Prison informant, who alleges he heard Skakel�s jailhouse confession.� According to the informant, Skakel was in a state of disbelief and horror upon his incarceration, and said in his cell, �I was in the clear. Nobody ever knew. For 27 years, nobody even suspected me.� Then these murder charges come up, and I had to go and open my big fat stupid mouth, to explain what I was doing in that tree.� Jay Leno was right, I should�a just copped to the murder.� Now look my predicament; in prison as a publicly confessed wanker.� Damn! I shouldn�t have listened to my lawyer.�

Skakel will be awaiting his sentencing in the Connecticut State Correctional Facility at Bridgeport. Due to prison overcrowding, he will be forced to share a cell with Fr. Buck Johnson, a former Catholic priest who is serving 25 years to life for serial sodomy.� Our prison informant quoted the Fr. Johnson, upon greeting his new cellmate, as saying,
�Now, why don�t you just squeal out a couple of Hail Mary�s for me, boy!�

Finally, CRETIN World interviewed the mother of the victim, Mrs. Dorthy Moxley, who stated, �Of course, we are all very pleased with the verdict.� However, I�m a little bit disappointed with all this media coverage.� This should have been Martha�s day.� And, I simply can�t see why everyone following this story is so fixated on Michael�s lewd behavior up in that tree, preceding my daughter�s murder.� I mean, I wish you all would just grow up!�

IF . . . . . . . .
You Might be a Redneck

by: John W. Albanese, Esq.

With all due respect to Jeff Foxworthy
for ripping off his act,
here's an updated list of
"If…..you might be a Redneck" jokes.
(*Note- These are all originals from this author.
Any similarities between these,
and the Foxworthy version,
are purely a coincidence of
'great minds thinking alike')

If for the first dance at your wedding, you played Lynyrd Skynyrd's Free Bird….

If you went to Branson, MO for your honeymoon………………….

If during your divorce, you got into a custody battle over the family blue-tick hound…..

If your wedding china comes from the "Dale Earnhardt Memorial Plate Collection"……..

If the Deputy Sheriffs had to break up a domestic dispute at your house, which started over and argument as to "Who was the real King, Elvis or Richard Petty"...

If your not black or Latrino, and you've been on Cops…..

If you've ever had your trailer home repossessed…….

If you see the term 'Coon Hunting' as having a double meaning……….

If your Grand Pappy's pastime is sitting in a rocking chair in front of the local gas station, smoking a corn-cob pipe, and telling tourists "Y'all cain't get thar from here"……

If you, or any member or your family, was cast as an extra in the movie Deliverance…..

If you refer to Chattanooga as 'the Big City'……

If your barber doesn't find the term 'mullet-head'
to be offensive….

If you go to the barber or a blacksmith, rather than to a dentist, for a toothache…….

If you put a dip of Skoal in the hole where your tooth fell out……

If you drink Hooch……..

If you think Jews wear beanies, just to hide the horns they have on the top of their heads……….

If your family tree has no branches……

If you think the word 'bucolic' means that your horse needs an enema……

If you take your baby to the local Wal-Mart, wearing nothing but a diaper…..

If you can understand Boomhower on King of the Hill……..

If you don't get half of the jokes on The Beverly Hillbillies…….

NEW SITE FOUND
FOR DETAINEES

Pentagon decides to relocate
Al Qaeda Prisoners to Viequez

Full Article

W´s Soup Adventure

George W. said to an aide, "I gotta see what all this Jewish stuff is about."

So off they went to a Kosher restaurant. The first course was set in front of them: Matzo ball soup.

W. was grossed out and hesitant to taste the strange looking brew. Gently the aide said, "Just taste a taste. If you don't like it you don't have to finish it."

W. dug in, spooning up a small piece of matzo ball with some soup and then quickly finishing off the entire bowl and all of the matzo ball.

"That was delicious," George W. said, "Do they eat any other parts of the matzo or just the balls?"

Dumb-ya's
New 'Edukashun' Program

Click Image for Large Picture

Poetic Bush-ims

This is a poem made up entirely of
actual quotations from George W. Bush.

These have been arranged,
only for aesthetic purposes,
by Washington Post writer
Richard Thompson.

Did you know that May was
National Poetry Month?
I bet not!
So we've saved the best for last!

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
by George W. Bush

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.

It's a world of madmen and uncertainty.
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
"Is our children learning?"

Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pant leg of opportunity.

I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope, Where our 'Wings take Dream!'

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize Society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

Bumper Stickers

Done in the Design of
The Texas State Flag

More BU** SH**
Stickers Here!

Washington D.C.- In a surprising announcement today, Senior Senator Strom Thurmond was pronounced to be legally dead by the Washington D.C. Coroner´s Office.

We here at CRETIN World are proud to welcome John, as his insights into the realms of politics will add new dimensions to our coverage.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves
from the nations that are around us.

A friend of mine claims that this
doesn't apply to Canadians,
only to Latrinos
(People from 'Latrine America')

Seattle WA. - Following in the great
journalistic traditions of
the publishing giants:
Time Magazine, The New York Post,
USA Today . . .

CRETIN World Announces its
First Annual Award for
CRETIN of the Century

For the last year,
the editors here at CRETIN World
have been compiling lists,
recommendations and evaluations of
potential award winners.

Both the famous and the unknown,
the living and the deceased
were examined
(or exhumed, as the case may be)
in detail to arrive at
the illustrious list of candidates.

Here's Linux for Fundamentalists - Jesux

Jesux (pronounced Hay-sooks)
is a new Linux distribution for
Christian hackers, schools, families, and churches.

Jesux will aim to be an environment
that is pleasant for CRETINs to work in,
with all the amenities a CRETIN might expect,
and when possible,
free from worldly influences.

There is already a core distribution being prepared,
based on RedHat's Linux distribution.

Jesux Home Page

Tom DeLay with a Cuisine Review

Representative Tom DeLay, the House majority whip,
after the massacre at Columbine High School in Colorado
in April, put the blame on the teaching of children:

"That they are nothing but glorified apes
who are evolutionized (sic) out of
some Primordial Soup of Mud."

Rockville, MD - Montgomery County law enforcement officials theorize that FOX News Reporter, Geraldo Rivera, is likely to be 'the Beltway Sniper' currently terrorizing the suburban Washington D.C. Area.

While not formally named as a 'suspect', Police Chief Chuck Moose has now classified Rivera as a 'person of interest' in their investigation.

Criminal Profiler Claris Gonnagetcha explains:
"Rivera has always been the first reporter to arrive immediately after a sniper strike. This follows the first tenet of criminal investigations that the killer always returns to the scene of the crime. It's like the arsonist who after setting the fire, pulls the alarm and rescues his victims, to make himself appear the hero."

"Geraldo has never been able to regain his grandeur since Willow Brook. He probably has diminished self esteem following the Al Capone's Vault incident, his stint at CNBC, and his failed attempt to personally capture Usama Bin Laden.

And, his use of a long barreled rifle is clearly a phallic symbol of power, which he utilizes to override his own short-comings."

Gonnagetcha further elaborated that Rivera is known to carry a weapon, and could have received informal military sniper training, while accompanying U.S. forces in Tora Bora.

"What with all those bullets that were whizzing over his ass in Tora Bora, Geraldo is likely to be suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome, which has caused him to snap. And his repeated reference to the Beltway Sniper as a 'cowardly pervert' is a clear indication that Geraldo is twisting his self-guilt feelings externally over the airwaves, to disassociate himself from his evil deeds.

"And finally Gonnagetcha notes, "When's the only time the sniper doesn't strike? Weekends.