Christian  Republican  Evangelical  Teaching  International  Network
World  Publication

by: John W. Albanese, Esq.

CRETIN World - San Juan, Puerto Rico- Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, announced today that the Pentagon will be scrapping its policy of detaining Al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners at Camp X-Ray, in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and will be relocating these 'Unlawful Combatants' to a makeshift prison facility on Viequez. In recent years, Viequez has been the source of much political protest and controversy, due to the location of several US Naval bombing target ranges on the tiny island off Puerto Rico. Camp X-Ray, on Guantanamo Bay, was closed down this week, mainly due to pressure imposed upon the Pentagon by Human Rights advocates. Amnesty International Guest Spokesman, Fidel Castro, claimed that the penning-up of the terrorist detainees, on a sunny 85-degree Caribbean beach with no umbrellas in their drinks, was "inhumane".  (As opposed to leaving them to wallow in their own filth in their sub-freezing, snowbound Afghan caves). In stark contrast to Camp X-Ray, the Viequez "lock-up" has been nicknamed 'Camp Sigmoidoscope', and it does not impose the stringent confinement and rigorous security precautions of the Guantanamo Bay facility. The detainees will now be allowed to more or less roam free, within certain confined sections of Viequez Island, which are controlled by the US military. And, despite this relocation of the detainees, US Naval and Marine Corps training maneuvers on Viequez will continue as scheduled, and may even be stepped up a notch. Secretary Rumsfeld explained, "We want to make our guests feel right at home here…as though they were back in Afghanistan. "And at the same time, our new recruits will now be able to get in some real live target practice, within a controlled environment. The whole Viequez set up is a real win-win situation for both sides." However, this relocation of the detainees has stemmed new and further controversy on Viequez. FOX News "War Correspondent" and part-time Puerto Rican, Gerry Rivers, has chained himself to a palm tree on the site of the Naval target range in protest. Correspondent Rivers added during his latest 'Exclusive Live' televised report: "If there's one thing I learned from my 'good-guy' Afghan comrades during my coverage in Tora Bora is, you got to keep your pendejo down when there's incoming fire.". Further protests are being lodged by environmental activist, whack-job, Bobby Kennedy, Jr., who stated, "Have you ever smelled these Taliban guys? "Introducing this new species of vermin could tip the delicate balance of the Viequez eco-system." And the Rev. Al Sharpton has announced he will go on another 'hunger strike', in protest of the Viequez situation, by boycotting all the fast food restaurants located at the New Jersey Turnpike rest stops. The Pentagon finally decided on the Viequez site, when local security fears quashed the tentative plans of housing the detainees on an old Naval Base outside of Charleston. S.C. Governor, Jim Hodges explained: "While we'all here in the Palmetto State are proud Americans who support President Bush and his administration, we don't exactly sign on to that part about "compassionate" conservatism. "Considering our citizen's hard-lined views towards ethnic minorities, coupled with our liberally broad interpretation of the Second Amendment, we simply couldn't guaranty the personal safety of the prisoners, or the protection of their civil rights here in South Carolina. "Bringing a bunch of diaper-headed terrorists into a state where we still fly the 'Stars and Bars' and burn crosses, just didn't seem to be the prudent thing to do."