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Christian
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Bush
Lends U.S. Aid by: John W. Albanese, Esq. Washington D.C. – After intense negotiations with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, President Bush today agreed to provide massive U.S. assistance in the war against the dreaded "Foot-in-Mouth" disease, affecting British sheep and cattle herds. The bail out will be implemented by means of a 'Lend-Lease' program, the likes of which haven´t been seen since WWII. The United States will be loaning Great Britain stockpiles of U.S. Army Surplus guns, ammo, bazookas, and bovine-piercing armaments, in an effort to take down all the disease-infected livestock. The plan is to round-up hundreds of thousands of infected livestock, shoot them and cremate the carcasses, to avoid further spread of the deadly infectious disease.
As a precautionary measure to protect her against a mistaken bovine identification, Lady Fergie has taken to wearing a bulletproof vest. President
Bush commented "England is a long standing U.S. ally, and we can´t turn our backs now that they need us to save their country for them again. We all know that the English are a bunch of ‘Rump Wranglers´, so they don´t know the first thing about round-ups, rodeos, or slaughtering sheep and cattle."
"With all the military weapons we´ve given them, the Brits are now ‘Loaded for Cow´. Additionally, I´ve deployed the Texas National Guard into Northern England, to show these fairy boys how this type of job is done." Prime Minister Blair thanked the President, by humbly exclaiming "Hook´em Horns." The President seemed excited in anticipation of the Allied military effort. "We´re gonna show´em good old fashion Texas style Bar-B-Que! Prince Chuck outta have a good time at this picnic; he´s got the perfect teeth for eating corn on the cob!"
In typical Bush fashion, the President also enlisted US corporate assistance, and the Kingsford Company will be donating five hundred thousand bags of charcoal briquettes for the mass cremation project. Texan television celebrity, Hank Hill, commented, "What in the hell do the Limeys need with all that damn charcoal? The cylinders on all those Army Surplus flame-throwers Bush loaned them, are loaded with more than enough propane to light the candle on this Hoe-Down!" The Heinz Company will be donating one hundred thousand gallons of BBQ sauce, and the Resistol Company will supplying ten thousand genuine Texas cowboy hats, to the British farmers working on the mass conflagration of bovine carcasses. The Brits, however, will be supplying their own beer for the "cookouts". Prime Minister Blair explained, "It´s only fair, because we all know that President Bush is a teetotaler. And besides, we British simply do not find the taste of a warm Coors Silver Bullet to be the least bit palatable." Additionally, the Trojan Company will be donating 2 million free condoms, in an attempt to curb the spread of the infectious disease northward into Scotland. Britain also requested U.S. aid by means of surgical nuclear strikes on Wales. President Bush, however, declined stating, "Taking down diseased cattle and sheep is one thing. But hell, if I start nuking whales, Green Peace will be crawling all up in Christy and Gayle´s asses." Other European countries have joined in the effort to assist Great Britain. Spain will be sending 100 matadors, to teach young British men how to run ahead of a stampede, without getting trampled on and gored.
Germany
also offered to share its technical expertise and experience, in designing
an efficient cattle car railway system linked to crematoria,
but their offer was declined. |
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