Our Father
and
His Infinite Phallus
Contributed by: Fredrick Curry
God made man in
His image --- At least that's what the more fundamentalist
variety of Christian is quick to say. Not long ago, I would have vehemently
disagreed, joyfully pouncing on the ridiculously sexist comment. Recently,
however, I have found that more fun may be had by agreeing with these
people and then following their arguments through to their logical conclusions.
To see what I mean, let's take that objectionable statement
and line-up its premises in a row.
First we have the would-be point of contention: God
is male. This alone wouldn't get us very far, but few Christians
who insist on God's maleness would then go on to deny the two other
premises we need; these being that: God is perfect, and God
is unique. Once these three things are granted, everything that
follows falls out as part of a simple deduction:
The Argument:
Firstly, drawing upon common knowledge of our first premise,
we know that to be male one must have a penis. Therefore God, being
male, must have a penis of appropriately Holy proportions.
Because efficiency and precision are virtues, we know
from our second premise that a perfect being would suffer no waste.
God then would have no wasteful organs. Putting the two ideas together,
it can therefore be said that, if God has a penis, He must use his penis
for something.
But use it for what? The penis only serves two functions,
and, since a perfect being would no more produce waste than have wasted
organs, the possible uses of God's penis are reduced to those of sexual
gratification.
An astute reader might now notice that this argument
has taken a rather puzzling turn. Worse than puzzling, actually, ----
for if, as according to our third premise, God is unique, there are
no others like Him; and if there are no others like Him, sexual reproduction
is right out of the question.
A conundrum indeed, but this needn't lead us to abandon
the notion of God's manhood as if our most loving and benevolent deity
were the victim of some kind of botched circumcision. Though it first
appears that the argument ends here with this contradiction, we are
in fact not stranded with an unresolveable paradox. With a little thought
and a touch of cerebral resourcefulness, another use for God's penis
stands up to be seen.
There is another option. God's manhood can
be saved!
That's right. God masturbates!
The Problem Solved: The solution is a straight forward deduction,
and can be gripped with a conviction equal to that of the premises that
drive it. Put into standard form, the argument looks like this:
God is male.
All males have a penis.
. ------------------------
. . Therefore God has a penis.
God is perfect.
[A perfect being has no useless attributes.]
God has a penis.
. ------------------------
. . Therefore God must use His penis.
God is a unique being.
[A unique being has no others like himself.]
God uses His penis.
[But not for waste or reproduction.]
. -------------------------
. . Therefore God must masturbate.
After seeing its ramifications, the notion
of God's maleness is a far reaching one for Christianity; and it is,
in fact, an even more dramatic discovery than it at first appears. This
is because Christians don't assert that God is only sometimes perfect
or only sometimes unique. They hold that these divine properties are
as eternal as God Himself. This allows us to justify the additional
deduction:
God must masturbate if He is perfect and male.
God is always perfect & male.
. -----------------------------------------------
. . God is always masturbating.
So there it is. Not only is this the outline
for some pretty impressive apologetics, but the solution resolves an
older, more serious, theological problem as well: How is it that an
all-powerful, benevolent, being can suffer the presence of so much evil
in the world?
Now we know. With all of God's cosmic self-pleasuring,
He can hardly be expected to participate in the mundane, earthly, affairs
of everyday life. God or no God, it looks as if we human beings are
on our own.
Original Title:
God
and the Galactic Penis
or
Fun with Meta-physiques
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